The Condition To Love

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.” -2 Timothy 3:1-9 (NIV)

While reflecting on my relationships – friendships, family, relatives, community…I also started thinking about how I was raised. Reading 2 Timothy 3 made me think about the kinds of people in my life, and the quality of my interactions with others.

The way things are in the world, chances are pretty high that we will meet people who we should have nothing to do with (as pointed out in 2 Timothy 3:1-9). Unfortunately, there may be times when such people are random strangers we meet, our coworkers, boss, friend circles, or even family. Perhaps we even were such people and have learned to consciously work on becoming compassionate, with the goal of becoming more like Christ (Ephesians 2; 2 Colossians 2:13-14; 1 Peter 2:5; 1 John 3:2; Philippians 3:10).

My personal connection to the passage above is written through the lens of a woman. I think the first thing we learn as children (especially girls) is the lie that we can change someone if we love them more, forgive them more, care for them more.

This is taught expressly or implicitly. For example, children continually try to please their family, only to realize that nothing they do will ever be good enough. Or maybe someone starts realizing the problem is not them whenever they get that bad feeling in their gut when their certain friend’s name shows up in their text or call messages because that friend has been abusive and manipulative. Feeling trapped and broken when working with toxic coworkers, boss, or both. Trying to have a peaceful discussion with a narcissistic significant other who refuses to take accountability for the hurt they inflict gets nowhere.

In each of these relationships, setting boundaries or meeting our own needs ahead of others was “selfish”. And within every one of those relationships, victims have been taught to always give that second chance in the hopes the person will change, that they didn’t mean to do it, or because they were hurt in the past, the wounds of the abusive people excuses their actions and only your love will change them.

Young girls and women are constantly conditioned in many ways since birth to love others more than ourselves, be unconditionally loyal, to always give chances again and again to people, in the hopes that our undying love and loyalty will change them.

The truth is, these lies condition us to be accepting of abuse (physical, emotional, financial, spiritual). As a result, many of us fail to recognize when people are demeaning and reducing us to nothing more than tools to serve whatever they want. Girls and women are continually taught to believe the toxic lie that if we want someone, be it coworkers, friends, family, etc., to change for the better, our love and loyalty will always have to be given unconditionally.

It is true that godly love is unconditional, just as God’s love for us is unconditional (John 15:12; John 15:17; 1 Thessalonians 4:9 1 Peter 4:8; 1 John 3:14; 1 Corinthians 13). However, I’m not saying the Bible encourages us to stay in toxic relationships or accept abuse from others in order to give unconditional love.

In fact, if you read 2 Timothy 3:5, you will see we are not to have anything to do with such people (and yes, this applies to both men and women). If anyone is in a toxic relationship, I highly encourage people to get out as soon as possible. And I hope you will heal, have fulfilling relationships. May the hope you have for the future not be cut off (Jer 29:11).

Still, based on what I see, society and families usually expect girls and women to be caregivers of others without any regard for themselves and their own wellbeing. We can see this on both micro and macro scale when our experiences about being stalked and harassed, our cries for justice against trafficking, rape and murder are flagrantly belittled, mocked and denied.

As we grow older, it becomes harder to unlearn all these unconditional loving things we are taught to do. And when we finally start the work to unlearn these things, we deal with one thing we are conditioned to have if we choose to change ourselves for our own growth and healing. That one thing keeps us entrapped in those lies: guilt.

We feel guilty for setting boundaries, guilty for saying “no.” Guilty for walking away from those who refuse to respect and honor girls and women. Let’s not forget that people, both male and female, are made in God’s image (Gen 1:26-27; Gen 9:6)!

Guilt should not prevent us from moving forward with courage, holding onto the truth that we are created with talents, purpose, dreams (Rom 8:28; 1 Corinthians 3:8; Phl 2:13; 2 Ti 1:9). In order to receive the freedom Christ readily offers at no cost to us, paid in full through His redemptive work on the cross, we have to give up our feelings of guilt up to God, knowing that loving others has nothing to do with staying in toxic, abusive relationships, or pleasing narcissistic people (Psa 97:10; Hos 10:12; Mat 22:37-39; Mar 12:31-33).

Let’s no longer remain in the lie that a woman’s love and loyalty must be without boundaries. Doing so only ensnares us to remain in unhealthy relationships. This applies to our relationship with family, friends and community as a whole, not just romantic ones.

Here’s the truth. Biblically, we are called to treat people the way we want to be treated (Matt 12:7). Granted. However, in the end, only God can change people (Eze 36:26). Our love cannot, and does not.

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