May 10, 2020

“Laughter can conceal a heavy heart,
but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.” – Proverbs 14:13 (NLT)

I just found out today. I’m sorry, I should have reached out more. I assumed that you were busy when you didn’t answer my texts.

I assumed you would always be there.

You were my brother from another mother – the very best anyone could have.

I believed that when the shutdown was lifted, we would meet up like we planned, get some Korean bbq or something.

I miss you a lot.

Even though we would squabble over the littlest things, we laughed and shared funny stuff.

You were always a giver.

But it was hard for you to let people love you too. It was hard for you to accept love from others, but you are loveable, just the way it is.

Because of this shutdown, a lot of us weren’t able to say goodbye, to have that closure. I keep wondering “why”…?

I remember your warm hug, your jokes. But also brief glimpses of your pain. But I didn’t understand how deep it was…

You tried so hard to find joy even in tiniest things every day.

I’m really sorry – I couldn’t shoulder that burden with you. I couldn’t pull through that clouds of darkness, tear through the veil and reach you.

Lord, please teach me how. And grant me this request – save those suffering in silence. Let them know Your goodness. Help us in our grief. Reach those suffering. Heal us and save us.

“I lie in the dust;
revive me by your word.” – Psalm 119:25 (NLT)

Thank you for everything, my brother. I love you and miss you. Your memory is a blessing.

“I weep with sorrow;
encourage me by your word.” – Psalm 119:28 (NLT)

Blot your tears, dry your eyes

It’s time to say your tender good-byes.

Can’t you see, before long-

Darkness soon will be gone.

Death holds me now, I can’t deny.

But my soul is in Christ, He gives me life.

The world will one day soon be anew,

God’s promises will always hold true.

As it is written, in a blink of an eye,

we will sing together, you and I-

To the King, to our King,

the glorious sound of voices rising.

To the glory, the praise of Jesus our Savior,

Through whom we have Sovereign LORD’s unmerited favor.

Yahweh, Yahweh!

My life, Your way.

You will wipe every tear from our eyes,

You make all things truly right.

No longer will the cold freeze through our bones.

No longer will we be lost, afraid and left to roam.

Yeshua, our hearts you hold.

And so we are at last, home.

“The Coming of the Lord

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep,  that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 15 For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.” –1 Thessalonians 4:13–18 (ESV)

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Give credit to whom credit is due. Do not repost/share or otherwise distribute without properly crediting the author of the poem. Much appreciated.

For the times you stayed up late taking care of me when I was sick.

For all the parent-teacher conferences you came to.

For working and saving, sparing no expense to give me the best hearing aids.

Only later did I find out how much the hearing aids cost-and they are not even covered by health insurance.

You never complained of the cost.

For supporting me throughout difficulties in school.

Providing me tutors to help me with math & chemistry, never mentioning the costs. You always worked so hard for me to have a good life.

To provide me a safe place to go.

I was never in need or in want. I received all good things from you.

I learned to accept a “no”, and be patient with “wait.”

I learned to forgive and to care for others.

When I originally wanted to go to art school, you encouraged and supported me.

It was about my talents and gifts, not your dreams.

You blessed me through my good and bad days. Through my sorrows and joys.

When I experienced my first heartbreak, an agony I thought was not possible, you listened to me without judgment.

And helped me to pray for myself and the man who hurt me.

You took time to reach out to him and blessed him, rising above the pain you endured, the pain you shared with me.

Both of you were always by my side.

I hope and pray you will always be healthy and live happy, long lives. May God help me be a blessing, a good daughter to you.

Thank you and I love you.

사랑해요. 감사합니다.

“I always thank my God for you because of His grace given you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 4:13 (NIV)

No, it’s not about one of those ingredient labels you’re thinking of when you are shopping for human or pet food.

Most of the time people believe that they are a byproduct of something in one way or another. Whether it be that one defining moment of success or clarity, the years of training for a particular career, family relationships, or even dark moments like depression or trauma. The list goes on and you get the idea.

When we see ourselves as a byproduct of our environment, our personal experiences, our relationships, struggles, and triumphs, our identity becomes dependent on what is temporary.

We have greater hope than all the things we see, hear, experience, and suffer through.

The Lord tells us that we are not a byproduct. We are created for God’s glory.

“But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
    I will bring your children from the east
    and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
everyone who is called by my name,    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.””

– Isaiah 43:1-7 (NIV), emphasis mine.

I think it’s time. Let’s give all the byproducts of who we are to Him. My prayer is that you will make this hope and prayer yours: “Lord, all that I am, all that I have, all that I will be, use it all to bring You glory. I am Yours.”

He will use all things – good, ugly, and the bad – in you, in your life, from your past, in your present, and throughout your future for His glory. And you will find for yourself that He is good (Psalm 34:1-8).

Glory to the Lord on high.

Have you ever feel like every day, you are burdened with trying to do what you know is impossible? It could be finding a job that you actually enjoy while it doesn’t leave you financially in need, forgiving a person for a physical/spiritual/mental/emotional wound that had gone too deep, or learning a new language to better your career prospects.

For me, it’s just something that I’m required to do daily: to lip-read and pass off as a hearing person, even while full knowing well I just can’t. Based on my personal experiences (and experiences of others who are in the same situation), it’s never a good idea to disclose one’s disability to people you just met. At best, people can be annoying and simply mouth all sorts of words to test your ability to lip-read, or yell loudly to see if you can hear them “better.” At worst, they’re cruel to you.

When thinking about accomplishing the impossible task of lip-reading every day – no matter how hard I try – I know that none of my efforts will really matter.

Logically, I know it’s impossible to depend on lip-reading. It’s mostly guesswork. Daily I ask God for the impossible, to be able to lip-read. Yet even on my best days, I would have to ask the person to repeat themselves several times or, if they are willing, to type it out on their phones for me.

But what’s good is that in spite of all our hardships, one thing doesn’t depend on our efforts.

Our own salvation.

“Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.” -Isaiah 7:14 (NIV)

This verse gives me the hope I need to simply just get up each morning and give thanks every day.

If our salvation were up to us, and us alone, none of us ever will have the capacity to stand before God. Nothing we did, nothing we haven’t done, nothing we say will ever be justified.

Instead of being judged in comparison to others, we are judged by the standards of God’s glory – which was revealed to us through Christ, who exemplified who we should have been like from the very beginning (Matthew 6:27; Matthew 25:31; Luke 2:14, 34; Luke 9:26; Luke 21:27; Luke 24:26; John 1:14; John 2:11; John 5:44; John 8:54; John 11:40; John 12:41; John 15:8; John 17:4-5, 10, 22, 24).

How the impossibility of our personal salvation has been made possible by God through Jesus (Matthew 19:26; Mark 10:27; Luke 18:27; Acts 2:24; Hebrews 6)!

Glory to God in the highest.

^“ You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.” – Deuteronomy 8:17-18 New International Version (NIV)

 

Despite the title, this is not a tutorial on how to make money. It’s more of a personal perspective on the hardships of life, particularly related to living – even just survival.

 

When I read Deuteronomy 8:17-18, I think back to my own work history. Majority of my work experience comes from part-time work at small businesses without accommodations related to my disability. Despite having experience, education and qualifications necessary, I have not yet been able to obtain full-time work with accommodations in big businesses.

 

This is the reality that we D/deaf population face. When it comes to finding work, discrimination is one of the hardest things we face. The world doesn’t know and rejects the love of Christ, which leads to apathy, discrimination, and downright cruelty towards others. If more people truly had the love of God in their hearts, I believe that the D/deaf population and those with disability(ies) would not face so many barriers and challenges.

 

I took on every work where I could, even though by law I should be getting sign language interpreters and I was barely getting by on lip-reading. From working with foster children, to energetic high school students, day care, and more recently, a law office, anything I had to do, I did it.

 

God helped me to do all the work with integrity, so I have to trust that He has a good plan. That even as I continue to apply for a stable full-time work with benefits and pay, He will provide the opportunity that I need. I just hope it’s soon because no matter where I apply, it is difficult to even get a foot through the door.

 

God blessed me with godly people, people willing in small businesses who were willing to give me a chance along the way. While the work opportunities were not full time with benefits and they expressed they couldn’t provide sign language interpreters, I just stuck with grit and determination. I had to. Discipline beats motivation any day.

 

This is what it means to hustle. And yes, some chances should be turned down (I am looking at you, pyramid scheme companies!!!!), try the best you can, to learn as much as you can. Because being D/deaf, you will, in the words of my former EM Pastor: “always have to work harder, smarter, and better than anybody else.”

 

Dear reader, whether D/deaf or hearing, disabled or not, may God give you the ability to produce wealth. When you finally get the job you need or want, don’t forget the One who brought you where you needed to be. Don’t forget where you came from, and keep ahead to where you are going. And always remember to serve others with the same love you received from Christ.

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NLT)